How do I learn to live with a secretive husband?

I love him very much and he loves me. He has always been this way but for some reason it's been bothering me. He won't let me on his cell or computer. He has secret codes for everything. I told him it bothers me and if he has nothing to hide then why can't I go on his account? He says that's just how he is and he feels violated when even others look at his stuff so it's not just me. I just hate not knowing what he's doing or talking about even if it is computer forums what's the big deal? Hopefully someone who is like this will respond cause I just need a better understanding of why he's so secretive.


He does go through my things and knows all my info he's a computer nerd so he could look up anything on me anyways. I just feel if he has nothing to hide then why does it bother him so much? He has said the only thing he has on there is a little porn so if that's it then what's the big deal?


  • Does he ask to look at your phone or pc? No, I bet he doesn't!

    Insecurity and jealousy are insidious and will eat away at you and alienate him from you.

    You are trying to control him, even though you see it differently.

    He is entitled to privacy and aslo has a responsibility to act in a manner becoming to his marital status, as do you. And trying to review and censor his activity is immature and really ugly.

    You have no reason (or have not stated any) to suspect he is acting wrongly. You say "I hate not knowing" and that is so selfish. Why don't you follow him to work and sit in his meetings too?

    You are too immature to be married.

  • Since he has always been this way, then I would not let it bother me too much. Some people are just naturally protective of their privacy. Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where George wouldn't give away his bank pass-code? This could be very similar. However, he is treating you like "other people" and you are not, you are his wife. He should be a little more open to you, don't you think? If it is getting in the way of your intimacy (not sexual, but communicative), then it needs to be addressed, even if it means going to see a marriage and family therapist to find out why he has this over concern with privacy matters. Once explained and understood by you, it may not be an issue.

  • It's funny how privacy issues are changing now that we have all these new gadgets. Imagine going over to a friend's house and the home phone rings while she's washing her hands or making some coffee. Would you pick up the phone and answer it? Probably. That's considered good manners. What if her cell phone rang instead? You wouldn't dare pick it up, but what is the difference?

    When I first started trolling, I kept this place secret from my husband. I would always close the window out when we approached me. I know it looked like I was hiding something. I was. This is embarrassing.

  • Just because you are married doesn't mean he no longer has the right of privacy.

    turn the situation around; He's probably wondering why you aren't trusting him. You are not his mom, he doesn't need to turn out his pockets for you. You are husband and wife, not mother and son. He doesn't need this form of control from you. Likewise you are entitled to your own privacy as well.

    If you are in a trusting loving relationship, I don't see why you need to be in his accounts.


    Ok, what part of 'privacy' are you not getting? What is or isn't on his computer has absolutely nothing to do with it. It is HIS, not yours. Marriage does not make you one single person. You are still two separate beings.

    You say what's the big deal, I say check your laws; checking someone's email/computer/phone without permission is illegal. Even opening an envelope with only his name on it is illegal.

  • If he is your husband, he should want to tell you everything because as his eternal best friend since marriage, it should be time to form that closest human connection and embrace each others spirit like you have with no one else before. If your husband could some how see the amazing potential he has with you as a wife he would probably open up happily and willingly. I believe it would set him free actually. Being private is everyone's right, but to a wife it should never have to feel that way.

  • Has he ever givin you a reason not to trust him? If not. Don't you have your own cell phone & computer? I know me & my BF have are own stuff so there no need to use the other. Now we could.

    either 1 of us have anything to hide.

  • Its normal for a lot of people to be like that. Especially in a relationship, it shows that you don't trust someone if you want to scan their personal stuff

  • It's called respect and you should grow some. Learn to respect his privacy. And yes, both of you should have some privacy.

  • Your husband is not open with you, he does not trust you. If he's like that , be the same to him, at least he'll know what it feels like.

  • maybe his a freemason because they have secret handshakes and codes that they can't share with anyone!!

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